Eat Your Way to Bigger Savings!

Over the course of a decade, the United States has been transforming from a nation of fat, lazy, ice cream eating slobs to a nation of health crazed, frozen yogurt eating slobs. This new attitude towards healthy eating is having an unintended consequence for clothing retailers. As these stores are slow to catch up to new body size trends, extra inventory of unsold XL, XXL, and XXXL clothes are ending up on clearance racks.

How do you take advantage of this? Start by eating all those delicious foods that you try to avoid, like cheesecake, chicken-fried steak, and mayonnaise. For some more ideas, check out one of my favorite blogs.

Is eating all this extra food eating through your wallet? Stop slaving over the deep fryer, and check out McDonald’s dollar menu. I recommend a handful of McDoubles, with a few refills of coke. Try to avoid diet and caffeine free. Don’t forget dessert! While the 7 grams of saturated fat in the Hot Fudge Sundae don’t seem like much, that’s actually 35% of your daily recommended value.

Michael Moore is doing it right.

Depending on your starting size, metabolism, and how often you work out (cancel your gym membership immediately), it could take you anywhere from a few weeks to a few months to start fitting into the best deals that your local department store has to offer. When that magic moment finally comes, you’ll know it; you’ll wake up, remove your sleep apnea mask, and have trouble getting off the couch, since it will feel like someone’s sitting on your chest. By time you make it to the fridge, you’ll be sweating and out of breath. Make sure to eat all your leftover fried mac n’ cheese squares from last night. That carb boost will give you the extra energy you need to try on clearance rack after clearance rack of the fattest bargains you can find.

Disclaimer: I own stock in McDonald's Corporation because $1 Hot Fudge Sundaes are the best 7 grams of saturated fat that money can buy.

Jesus Saves and You Can Too!

“Jesus Christ.” 

That’s me thinking out loud when I look at my December credit card statement.  Jesus got off easy, only having to pay for our sins.  I’m not even Christian, yet I’m damned to pay for his birthday every year. 

Well, maybe not.  The actual date of Jesus’ birth is never stated directly in the bible and there is plenty of evidence in the gospels to imply that most likely it isn’t December 25^th at all. 

What a great find!

So, how does this affect me?  By choosing to celebrate Christmas on a more biblically accurate date, say January 2^nd, I can get some heavy discounts.  For example, a live Christmas tree bought in the first two weeks of December will cost anywhere from $50 to $100.  A Christmas tree bought from the curb or sidewalk on December 26^th, will cost anywhere from $0 to $0.  This translates to over $4 to $8 a month.  What a simple, yet elegant way to help pay the mortgage! 

For those of you that need more than a $100 annual savings, I have another round of cost cutting.  Your average Christmas tree ornament costs around $15.  Just the thought of that makes me sick to my stomach.  Your average Christmas tree ornament on December 26^th, however, costs around $5.  That’s still a little more than I’d like to pay, but I know those discounted Star Wars ornaments aren’t lasting for a second round of clearance.  The biggest savings, of course, are on glass ornament balls.  Every year after the 25^th, they’re practically given away, so I try my hardest to load up on as many balls as I can handle.  I especially like the big ones.  

When I can build my Ewok tree village I'll be
living the dream.  Live the dream.

“Balls.”

That’s me thinking out loud again. 

Balls aside, the mother lode of savings is on gifts. When it comes to buying presents, I try hard not to spoil the recipient.  Still, I find that my annual Christmas gift shopping usually comes in at an astounding $100.  My solution is to wait for stores to put their unsold merchandise on clearance.  This works the same way as buying ornaments, but I like to haggle down the prices for returned or damaged box items. 

In order to give these presents to friends and family, I usually need to make up an excuse for why they’re late and somewhat damaged.  “Jesus wasn’t born on December 25^th” isn’t good enough for everyone.  Make sure you remove the clearance stickers, or the recipient will know you’re lying.  You could end up losing a friend, and that means one less gift to buy next Christmas.   

Actually, don’t remove the clearance stickers.