LMFAOing all the way to the bank.

Every day I'm shufflin'. In the morning commute, the afternoon commute, and all other times of the day I have a case of the Party Rock Anthem. When I get home I go to Pandora but unlike the rest of the music playing world, my LMFAO station decides to skip over their biggest hit.

When I finally got sick of I'm in Miami Bitch, I did the inevitable. I went to iTunes.

Big mistake.

I was ready to pay any amount of money until I actually got to the site.  My eyes bulged when I saw the price: $1.29.  Sorry, Mr. Jobs, even I have limits.  Disappointed, I headed over to YouTube.  I thought that seeing a video of Rupert Murdoch getting a foam pie to the face might cheer me up.

I had my epiphany before the site finished loading.  I typed a "p" into the search box; before I could press "a", the first result that came up was "party rock anthem".  Over 122,000,000 views.  Obviously I was a little late to the game.  No matter, I blissfully ignored the pre-video ads, minimized the window, put my hands up to the sound, and lost my mind, knowing that I would no longer be $1.29 poorer. 



For those that missed it, the moral of the story is to skip iTunes, and go directly to YouTube. Also, you can create YouTube playlists.

Jesus Saves and You Can Too!

“Jesus Christ.” 

That’s me thinking out loud when I look at my December credit card statement.  Jesus got off easy, only having to pay for our sins.  I’m not even Christian, yet I’m damned to pay for his birthday every year. 

Well, maybe not.  The actual date of Jesus’ birth is never stated directly in the bible and there is plenty of evidence in the gospels to imply that most likely it isn’t December 25^th at all. 

What a great find!

So, how does this affect me?  By choosing to celebrate Christmas on a more biblically accurate date, say January 2^nd, I can get some heavy discounts.  For example, a live Christmas tree bought in the first two weeks of December will cost anywhere from $50 to $100.  A Christmas tree bought from the curb or sidewalk on December 26^th, will cost anywhere from $0 to $0.  This translates to over $4 to $8 a month.  What a simple, yet elegant way to help pay the mortgage! 

For those of you that need more than a $100 annual savings, I have another round of cost cutting.  Your average Christmas tree ornament costs around $15.  Just the thought of that makes me sick to my stomach.  Your average Christmas tree ornament on December 26^th, however, costs around $5.  That’s still a little more than I’d like to pay, but I know those discounted Star Wars ornaments aren’t lasting for a second round of clearance.  The biggest savings, of course, are on glass ornament balls.  Every year after the 25^th, they’re practically given away, so I try my hardest to load up on as many balls as I can handle.  I especially like the big ones.  

When I can build my Ewok tree village I'll be
living the dream.  Live the dream.

“Balls.”

That’s me thinking out loud again. 

Balls aside, the mother lode of savings is on gifts. When it comes to buying presents, I try hard not to spoil the recipient.  Still, I find that my annual Christmas gift shopping usually comes in at an astounding $100.  My solution is to wait for stores to put their unsold merchandise on clearance.  This works the same way as buying ornaments, but I like to haggle down the prices for returned or damaged box items. 

In order to give these presents to friends and family, I usually need to make up an excuse for why they’re late and somewhat damaged.  “Jesus wasn’t born on December 25^th” isn’t good enough for everyone.  Make sure you remove the clearance stickers, or the recipient will know you’re lying.  You could end up losing a friend, and that means one less gift to buy next Christmas.   

Actually, don’t remove the clearance stickers.

Don't Get Skin Cancer!

See anything wrong with this picture?  Check out the answer below (it should be obvious).

All three sunscreens cost over $10!  I enjoy going to the beach as much as anyone else, but it becomes very hard to justify going when I have to practically hand over my paycheck to prevent looking like an ad for Victoria's Secret Pink Collection.  While on a recent trip to the overpriced state of California, I made note of some people that obviously felt the same way, and had found a solution to my dilemma. 

Wise beyond his years.

The solution, of course, is to skip the sunscreen altogether, and wear long sleeves and a huge hat when the sun is beating down.  The initial benefits are obvious.  A tube of sunscreen will generally last one season, so wearing your favorite sweater to Laguna Beach as the man to the right did, will net you savings somewhere in the $10 per year range.  This technique will save you more than just money, however:

• Don't have the time to go to the gym for a ripped summer body or are you 90 years old and your body is disgusting?  Cover it up!  

• Is the sun reflecting off your bald head blinding those nearest to you? Put a hat on it!  

• Afraid that you'll get a farmer's tan?  How about getting no tan! 

While this is just a small portion of the benefits, I'll leave it to you to come up with some more.

Advanced Technique

Don't be ashamed to bring your umbrella to the beach.

What happens when you don't want to wear a hat or you just can't afford hats like the lovely couple above?  There's a neat tool for this that women used hundreds of years ago: the parasol.  For those that don't know, a parasol is just an umbrella used to block out sun instead of rain.  As a result, a parasol can be made of many different materials that are not necessarily waterproof, and they don't have to be as resistant to the winds that frequently accompany storms.  Unfortunately, parasols are much harder to find than umbrellas.  Luckily, an umbrella will do the job just fine.  In addition, if you already have an umbrella lying around, it won't cost you anything extra to re-purpose it into a sun blocking money saver.

If you like money but dislike skin cancer, ignore the sunscreen and grab the winter wardrobe.  When you see that extra $10 in your bank account, you'll be glad you did.

Don't Pay for Water. Save Money.

It takes a lot of water to stay alive.  It shouldn't take a lot of money.  For those not fortunate enough to get their water from a well, the law provides a convenient and free method of boosting your retirement nest egg.  Specifically, regarding places of employment, OSHA Standard number 1910.141(b)(1)(iii) states,

"Potable drinking water dispensers shall be designed, constructed, and serviced so that sanitary conditions are maintained, shall be capable of being closed, and shall be equipped with a tap."

You can also get your water from precipitation, runoff and streamflow,

 before it ends up in the ocean to repeat the water cycle.

As long as you have a job in the U.S., you have access to clean tap water.  Every day when you go to work, fill a water jug for home hydration and start saving. Remember to take extra for the weekend!

Your cost savings will depend on how much money you wasted before changing your water habits.  Assume a typical male and female couple living together collectively drinks 5.2 liters (1.374 gallons) per day to stay alive at a cost of $0.02 per gallon.  This comes out to only $0.027 per day, but over the course of a whole year, this quickly adds up to a total of $10.03.  Like all investments, the earlier you start, the bigger you save.  If you can keep this up for 40 years till retirement, you'll have an extra $401.20 to your name.  Not bad for a simple life changing tip.

Save Soap. Save Money.

It seems as if every other week I go through another bar of soap.  Every time I find myself with a slippery razor-thin remnant in my hands, I can't help but feel frustrated at the rapid pace that I blow through money trying to stay clean.  While at first it may not seem expensive, the cost of this essential commodity quickly adds up.

I'm a Dove Cool Moisture Beauty Bar man.  I enjoy the natural scent of cucumber and green tea.  Unfortunately, this 14-pack of hydrating lotion infused soap costs me $18.00 a box.  It is appropriately colored green because every time I use it, I can see my money going down the drain.  Going through one of these bars every two weeks ends up cutting roughly $33 annually from my savings (one 14-pack every 28 weeks, or 1.85 packs per year at $18.00 per pack).  The obvious solution to this problem would be to switch soaps or use coupons.  What I propose, however, is a more elegant solution which will save a few bucks on its own, and can be combined with the above methods to dramatically increase what you bank.

The solution isn't to spend less; it's to waste less.  Most people, including my uneducated self of yesteryear, would use a bar of soap until it became an unusable scrap before being thrown away.  The problem with this is that there's nothing wrong with that soap, other than it being too small to make good use of.  Put a whole bunch of those small scraps of soap together, however, and now you have something that you can work with.

In retrospect, the soap is more of a blue-teal than a money-green.

If you're not convinced of the obvious financial benefits yet, let me do some math and then we'll see how you feel.  As I already explained, this soap costs me about $33 per year.  The ball of soap shown above is about the size of a new bar and took me almost exactly one year to make.  Going through one bar of soap every two weeks means that for every 52 weeks, or 26 bars, I'll get one extra.  Paying $18 for a 14-pack gives me a per-bar cost of $18/14 or $1.29.  This $1.29 is my savings for using the collected soap ball, reducing my annual spending from $33 to $31.71.  Of course it will take a year to make your first soap ball and start saving.  Once that first year has elapsed, your soap wasting habit will be reduced from 26 new bars down to a modest 25, plus one recycled ball.

Now that I've convinced you of the benefits, I'll explain how to make the soap ball.  While I could fill a whole recycling bin with books on all the possible methods, I'll present a simple method to get you started; the wet-press technique.  Get the pieces of soap wet and slightly lathered and simply press them together.  The more pressure you use, the better the bond.  This is convenient because it can be accomplished in the shower.  By placing the soap on a window to dry, the water will evaporate, causing a stronger bond than if it dries in the humidity of the bathroom.  If you can deal with this effort, you will be rewarded with a quality ball of soap that can withstand some of the toughest lathering and scrubbing.

While focusing on building a money saving soap ball, don't forget about saving money by spending less.  If you can use coupons or buy a different soap pack on sale, your spending will be reduced even further.  Also, if you have a keen eye for style, don't be afraid to mix and match different colors of soap to build a ball that complements your personality while removing dirt.  With enough creativity, you can end up with a product that's greater than the sum of its parts.

Eat free samples at Costco. Save money.

The dudes behind Costco are smart.  Their business model is this:

You eat free samples
You get hungrier
You buy more food

As smart as those dudes are, I have a little trick that we can use to outsmart them.  My business model works like this:

You eat free samples
You get hungrier
You eat more free samples

For those that didn't see what I just did there, let me explain.  Costco wants you to eat free samples to get you to buy more food.  I want you to eat free samples to get a free lunch.  Now, if you're smart enough that you didn't need that explanation, you're probably thinking, "but it costs $50 annually for a basic Costco membership and $100 annually for an executive membership.  This isn't free at all!"

First of all, everyone knows that the $100 annual executive membership has a $50 reimbursement guarantee.  You see, with the executive membership, you're mailed a check for 2% of your total annual spending.  If that check is for less than the $50 difference between the executive and regular level membership cost, you can bring it back to Costco and they'll give you that difference.

This man eats for $0.04 per meal.  His shopping list says, "samples".

Second of all, if you eat Free-Sample-Costco-Lunch (FSCL, prounounced "fiscal") every day, you're only spending $50/365 = about $0.14 per meal.  Extend this to dinner and it's $0.07 per meal.  Include breakfast and it's about $0.04 - $0.05 per meal.

If that's not convincing enough, let me give you something to compare this to.  Bologna, my favorite deli meat(?) runs about $5.00/lb.  A loaf of bread is about $3.00  For simple math, lets say a pound of bologna and a loaf of bread last 1 week.  This means your lunch costs $8.00 per week, or a staggering $416 per year.

Annual cost of bologna sandwich:     $416

Annual cost of FSCL:                       $50

Annual cost savings:                        $366

Follow my plan and you'll save $366 per year.  Keep this up for 10 years and you can afford a 1 month mortgage payment on a 3 bedroom split level in New Jersey.  Yay, finance!